I started writing this blog on 26th October and then the world felt a bit too much like everything was spinning too fast and I stopped. After getting my footing again in early November I’m back, the world is still spinning and I have some of the grips of control back.

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There is a lot changing in the world right now, many of us feel trapped in our homes, compelled by rules we are passed down by government, to act in our small ways to try make the world feel safer, even if we don’t have much influence over as much as we wish. That’s the thing with fulfilling a need for control, we can feel pleased at the satisfaction of exerting some control no matter how small but that doesn’t do much to help us from the things we can’t control. We can stay inside as much as possible to reduce our opportunity for possible infection but that doesn’t change the actions of others. On our own little island we can control how we act in that situation but we can only cause waves for the islands of others, ultimately they decide how they react and act. Island living has gone well for New Zealand but not for other islands, notably the UK, maybe making use of borders effectively could be an answer here or a government that acts swiftly.

Coming to terms with what I can control has been difficult over this pandemic. I know I can act in ways that support myself as much as I can in ways that harm me, it is the choice to act in ways that are beneficial that have so much more positivity. Making positive choices is not always easy, it is something that takes a conscious decision, which is not something I always feel powerful enough to do. Acting in ways that are negative and insular are so much easier to do, I can wreak havoc through my whole life for the thrill of it but ultimately there will be an end and a consequence. So I’ve chosen to work in a way that is much more positive, I’ve spent some of this time ‘locked’ in my flat thinking and reflecting on what I can do to make things better, what isn’t making things better for me and the steps big or small I can make.

Not all steps are easy or obvious, some are difficult and obscure, they push us to change ourselves on a deeper level than we’d like. That’s probably my mantra for 2020, seeing the destruction the old ways have had on so many lives and what we can or even should carry forward to a better future we can create. It’s certainty not the ableism, racism and rampant discrimination that seemed almost embedded in the DNA of what we thought of as a functioning society, a society that didn’t function for everyone.

As an autistic person I thrive on simplicity and certainty, things I’m often not afforded by a world that likes to change fast and feasts on what is next rather than what feels safe. This time, this ‘unprecedented time’, is one that has not been safe or happy for autistic people, which is unfortunately rather precedented in itself. We, autistic people, are told to expect things to be terrible, support is too difficult to provide and kindness one step to far. If you don’t agree you’d only have to look as far as education where we face exclusion and bullying, employment where we are grossly underemployed and support services in social care where the mistreatment of autistic people has become the norm.

So yes, what I’d love is a bit of simplicity, certainty and positivity. To see people like me in the world, the news and in stories that have an okay time, not a life marred by one disaster to the next. I’m in a stage of my life where I am being afforded more and more control to choose the things that make me happy and the world obliges, albeit in smaller doses than I’d like. That’s my intention, I’m putting out into the world that I am choosing happiness in the things I can control and not letting anxiety overwhelm the things I cannot control. I might not be able to do these things completely by myself, I may sometimes need my hand held but then again I’m still young (something I often forget).

From here the journey is simple: engage with the news before it becomes intolerable, make choices that feel right and let the comparison to others fade away. These are the things I can control and control is the way I’ve felt peace previously.